That’s a pretty stark description, but it is very much how I feel right now.
Book writing, book revising, book editing, and book publication are all complete. I have to put myself and my book out there. It’s all about the sales now. I have barely begun and I already feel “icky”.
I feel like a contestant on the television show “How To Look Good Naked”. Stripped of my private writing space, stripped of my solitary, comfortable process, I am about to move into the world of people, opinions, and sales. I have to mingle and schmooze, sell and promote. I am horribly under qualified. I lasted two hours at my one and only sales job as a telemarketer. One ‘f’ bomb from an irate man whose dinner I disturbed and I tucked tail, ran, and never looked back. I can go days without seeing another human being who isn’t a resident in my house. And self-promotion? My background is part First Nation’s Cree. Humility, we are taught, is one of the greatest virtues.
So knowing these facts about myself it is no wonder I have to force myself to write each blog post, why I struggle to get my advertising done, and why as my book launch is approaching, I feel great trepidation. Now comes the part where I have to try and get people to buy my book. I am wriggling and squirming at the thought.
I am being poked and prodded with a very sharp stick (of my own making) towards a goal I want to try and achieve. It’s my goal, my push, but part of me is screaming “Leave me alone in my little office and just let me write my books!” I think that is a very good clue it’s time for this all to happen. I need to grow.
I was caught off guard a few days ago by a phone call from the local newspaper asking me to do a quick interview. I had gone into the paper to buy ad space for my book launch and the receptionist mentioned she’d pass my information on to the editor who might be interested in doing a story. I got a call just a few days back, and today the paper has the article. It has begun.
With luck people are going to talk about and judge my book. I am going to get reviews. I am going to have to ask people to look at my book. My ego is going crazy at the thought, inundating me with assurances that my book is not worthy. My mistakes are too many. I can shut my ego off and tell myself regardless of what any other individual thinks I like my book, I am proud of it. Not everyone will feel the same and that is okay when I am alone sitting in my office. However the thought of picking up that phone or even worse, personally pleading for space to sell my book or the opportunity to do a book signing, is terrifying. I have to ask people… for stuff. I hate to ask people for anything. Asking means I want what they have the power to give or withhold. I have to deal with rejection. It’s all so excruciating.
And yet I am writing another book. As painful as this part is, I am signing myself up to do it all over again in the future.
I must really love writing.